Title: EveryBunny’s a Critic
Author: Peter Wood
Draft date: 13-08-05
Contact: peterwood2@gmail.com
Setting: A high school football field. Not a representation of a football stadium in a theatre, but an actual high school football field.
The theme to Rocky plays loudly through bad speakers. From opposite sides of the field, two men walk toward the 50 yard line. They are dressed in bunny suits, but walk with dignity. At the 50 yard line there are two microphones and when the two bunny-suited men arrive they each take a place behind a mic. The music fades as they take their places.
BUNNY 1
Hey it’s great to see you all out here tonight. Thanks for coming. We’ve got a fun evening planned for you, lots of crashing and mayhem and breaking bones and running. Lots of running. But first, I wanted to ask you--
(he turns to Bunny 2)
--How do you catch a unique rabbit?
BUNNY 2
I don’t know. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
BUNNY 1
Unique up on it.
Bunny 1 laughs. The crowd roars. Bunny 2 is silent.
BUNNY 1
What do you call a defensive line that falls backwards?
BUNNY 2
I don’t know. What do you call a defensive line that falls backwards?
BUNNY 1
A receding hare-line!
Bunny 1 laughs. The crowd roars. Bunny 2 is silent.
The following series of jokes should increase in pace until there is no space between them for either the crowd to roar or Bunny 1 to laugh.
BUNNY 1
Knock,knock.
BUNNY 2
Who’s there?
BUNNY 1
Ether
BUNNY 2
Ether who?
BUNNY 1
Ether bunny. Knock, knock.
BUNNY 2
Who’s there?
BUNNY 1
Juan
BUNNY 2
Juan who?
BUNNY 1
Juan more ether bunny. Knock, knock.
BUNNY 2
Who’s there?
BUNNY 1
Stella
BUNNY 2
Stella who?
BUNNY1
Stella nother ether bunny. Knock, knock.
BUNNY 2
Who’s there?
BUNNY 1
Justin
BUNNY 2
Justin who?
BUNNY 1
Justin other Ether Bunny. Knock, knock.
BUNNY 2
Who’s there?
BUNNY 1
Samoa
BUNNY 2
Samoa who?
BUNNY 1
Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock, knock.
BUNNY 2
Who’s there?
BUNNY 1
Beryl
BUNNY 2
Beryl who?
BUNNY 1
Beryl of ether bunnies. Knock, knock.
Bunny 2 pulls out a gun and shoots Bunny 1 in the head. There is an explosion of blood as Bunny 1 falls to the ground. His body spasms once then is still.
BUNNY 2
(muttering low)
Fucking comedians.
Bunny 2 walks off the field. The lights go out.